


Gone for Good

by Kabukistan



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: Abandonment, Angst, Break Up, Emotional Support Cat, Flashbacks, Heartbreak, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Pining, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 23:15:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17414384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kabukistan/pseuds/Kabukistan
Summary: The Warden Commander has been acting strangely, and Nathaniel is determined to get some answers. If only he had thought of the dangers of pushing the man too far.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Part of another series of shorts that I will slowly post. This pair is my #1 "If you can't find any content, do it yourself" ship.

“Hey, you ok?” 

The Commander didn’t answer immediately, instead just turned to give him a confused look. “Yeah. Why do you ask?” 

Nathaniel flipped on his side to face him, the bed creaking. 

_Tanner hummed uncomfortably. They were taking stock of all that was salvageable in Vigil’s Keep, which wasn’t a whole lot. Anything that wasn’t covered in darkspawn blood was either broken or burned._

_“Alright, Commander?”_

_He hummed again. “It’s… a lot.” He went silent, and Nate was willing to take that as an answer, but he continued, “Cousland Castle was just like this, when Fergus and I finally made it back there after the blight. I guess if we weren’t even before, we sure are now.” A soft laugh and he ran a hand through his hair, pulling a few strands loose from where he had it pulled back. Tanner grabbed Nate’s hand and brought it up to kiss the back of it. No doubt Anders and Velanna had seen that from wherever they were among this mess, and he’d be hearing all about it later. “Let’s get back to work.”_

“You seem… distracted.” 

The keep was quiet. Anders vanished, Velanna ran off, and it was just the two of them. No blight, no sentient darkspawn, the riots have been quelled and nobles put in their place. The days were spent repairing the keep, training the warden recruits, and generally running the arling. About a month ago Nate started to notice the Commander becoming distant. He would pass on duties to him or the new seneschal, spend long hours in his study, and the letters. Every day there was some correspondence for him, and once receiving it he would run off to look over it. ‘Personal letters’, that’s what he said, so no one else was allowed to read them, not even Nathaniel, the Commander’s right hand man. 

Tanner turned his head back to the ceiling. “I’m just fine.”

Said like there was something bothering him. Truly, the man was the biggest idiot Nate had ever met. If the Commander thought he could lie to the man he had been sharing a bed with for three years, lie to his face, then he was mistaken. 

Nate rolled over so he was sitting on Tanner’s stomach, legs folded at his sides. Crossing his arms, Nate looked down at the other warden, who was caught between wanting to smile and being insulted. “In that case, let me rephrase my question. Why have you been acting strange lately?” 

He broke eye contact, any trace of a smile left his face. For a moment, he looked troubled again. 

_“What is this? Mutiny?” Tanner was laughing under him._

_“You can’t be in charge all the time, Commander…”_

_And with that, Nate was on his back with Tanner hovering over him, his hands trapping Nate’s head and thighs spreading his apart._

_“You ask for the Commander, you’re going to get him.”_

“I don’t think I have been doing anything out of the ordinary.”

“And I could give you a dozen reasons why you’re wrong.”

Silence. 

_Why won’t you look at me?_

_Why are you pushing everyone away?_

_What’s wrong with you?_

Nate wanted to yell at him. He had tried to ask the Commander about his behavior before, but didn’t pursue a direct answer when he deflected. This time he needed to know, it had gone on long enough. Now all Tanner was doing was lying and denying. The one Nate loved, the man he trusted with his life, was unwilling to trust him back. What happened? 

Nate rolled off of the Commander and sat at the edge of the bed. “Have I done something to upset you? If you just tell me I can-”

“No! No… no. Nate, _Nathaniel._ No.” Still, it was whole minutes before he felt a hand on his back, and nothing more. 

Nate waited for more, something to assure him that he was being unreasonable, but nothing came. More silence, and he couldn’t decide if he would prefer it to the lies. 

Tanner removed his hand and sighed. Nate could hear him moving. “Maybe… we should stop this.” 

_“Don’t you think this is wrong? For the Warden Commander of Ferelden and a warden of lesser station to…”_

_“Caboodle?”_

_“What?”_

_“Sorry, continue.”_

_Nathaniel sighed. “So this is just a game to you, is it?”_

_Tanner took Nate’s face in his hands. “Nothing about this is a game, nor is it wrong. My titles are not going to keep me from loving you with everything I have.”_

He was falling, but he was standing. He was walking, but couldn’t feel his feet. A hand at his wrist, and he still refused to look back. 

“Nathaniel, please, trust me when I say that none of this is your fault.” 

The numbness disappeared instantly, replaced with the feeling of his blood running hot, and suddenly hyper-aware of the other man’s grip on his arm. Nate spun around, yanking his hand away. “Then why? Why do this? Was this your grand plan for revenge, to crush me so thoroughly?” 

“That’s not what I wanted-”

“Shut up!” The Commander flinched. He was yelling now, he needed a real answer. 

“I can’t tell you!” 

“You can’t, or you refuse to?” 

“I can’t…”

“Why not?” 

“I… I have to… Please, _Nate-_ ”

“Shut. Up.” 

“I didn’t mean for it to be like this.” 

“Well it is.” 

Tanner did not meet his eyes, did not speak. Nathaniel turned on his heel and walked out, stopping before he closed the door behind him. “Goodnight, Commander.” 


	2. Chapter 2

The new wardens gathered around their Commander, wishing him safe journeys. Cannon was at his side, the mabari enjoying all the pats goodbye. 

Just days ago, he announced that he was to leave for a mission. Alone. No word of where or why or when he would be back. Frankly, no one thought it their place to question. Certainly not Nathaniel. 

“I will be back as soon as I can, I promise. In the meantime, Nathaniel will have control of the keep, and the seneschal will oversee the arling.” So kind of the Commander to remember him. They had hardly seen each other in over a week, not since their fight, if it could be called that. 

The Commander met him at the gates. “I leave everything in your capable hands. If everything goes as planned, I will be back before you know it.” 

“Still no details?” 

He looked away, armor clanking as he nervously shifted. That was a no, then. 

“Safe journeys, Commander.” 

Tanner met his eyes, nodded, and he was gone. 

He watched him leave until he was out of sight. It was all he could do not to run after him. 

 

 

It had been not even half a week and already he was restless. They had spent the time prior to his departure separated, so Nate thought it would be mostly the same. It bothered him that the Commander was likely very far away, and with no way to contact him or vice versa. As the days turned to weeks and the weeks into months, his mind thought up increasingly elaborate theories. 

_Retired in a cottage in the middle of nowhere._

_Becoming a drunkard in a tavern somewhere._

_Experimented on by the Architect._

_Taken by Tevinter slavers._

_Mauled by a bear._

_Slowly dying in the Deep Roads._

It was that last thought that he desperately tried not to dwell on. It was that same thought that finally got him out of bed at an hour far too early to be warranted. He threw on some clothes before slinking into the hall, door only squeaking slightly. Decidedly not looking at the guards at the end of the hall, Nathaniel walked two doors over and entered the Commander’s room. 

There was no practical reason to go to his room anymore. He had picked over it countless times, read and reread every correspondence, and turned up nothing. He wasn’t there at such an hour for practical reasons, though. He flopped back on the bed. It had long since stopped smelling of him. Just being there, in the bed they shared, was enough. It was enough if he said it was enough. 

He felt small feet stepping on his stomach, and he looked down at the orange tabby as it made itself comfortable. 

“Hey Ser Pounce-a-lot. Good to see that I am not the only one who is up this late. You miss Anders, don’t you?” 

The cat swatted at his nose, watching him with wide eyes. Nathaniel laid his hand on Pounce’s back and the cat tucked his paw under him and closed his eyes. 

They were too alike, really. Missing someone, needing companionship, even in the early hours. 

Both were left behind. 

 

 

Leaving Vigil’s Keep felt too much like giving up. A year later and the Commander had still not returned, and he was to leave on a mission of his own. Albeit, he was taking a group to scout the deep roads, and he was in no position to deny orders from Weisshaupt. 

Maybe he would join his Commander in whatever fate had befallen him. He could hope. 

Unexpectedly, the worst was leaving Ander’s stupid cat. He actually felt bad for it. Or he was going to miss it. It has always been easier to fall asleep with a warm body nearby, even if said warm body was a small cat whose favorite spot to nap was his face. 

Leaving the cat, leaving the Keep, and so by extension, leaving Tanner. 

_How is it that a year later, I still cannot find it in me to let him go?_

_What about him makes me so attached?_

_We parted on bad terms, was that it? Am I upset that it was never resolved?_

_I don’t understand. Why can’t I forget about him?_

_I want to but I don’t want to. Even if he’s forgotten about me, I don’t want to let go._

_Andraste spare me, I love him so much._

_If I ever see him again, I am going to kill him._


End file.
